His hand reached across the center console and covered mine. As he wrapped his fingers between my thumb and index finger and slowed to a stop at the red light, my chest tightened into a million lumps. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t think that big. There was just so much risk involved.
What if fail? What if I don’t have what it takes? These are legitimate fears, I argued.
Yes, he replied. They are. But in reality, you’re really only scared of one thing.
And I knew exactly what he was talking about. After being around each other almost constantly for seven years, I can’t hide anything from him anymore. While I try to mask my inner dark fears, he simply opens the window of my heart and walks on in.
So what am I afraid of? I asked, testing him.
You’re afraid of looking dumb, he said.
And there it was. Like opening a dank, messy closet filled with old wet towels – it stank to hear it out loud. My biggest fear is looking less than smart in front of other people. I’m no genius or anything, but I was a valedictorian in high school. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a private university. I was going to be a high school literature teacher when I grew up. And I’m afraid of looking stupid. How does that even make sense?
So as I’m working on my early New Year’s resolution – Christmas resolution? – I want to clear the air with a few of these fears with you dear bloggy blog, because the first step to beating fear is to bring it to the light, right? So here it is people: I promise to make a fool of myself in 2011 and NOT CARE. Anyone else with me? Or am I just gonna look dumb?
As we work through a rainy winter here in San Diego, I’m getting sentimental for some sunshine and travel, and I’m excited to share some cruisin’ time with a group of pretty diverse and amazing photographers in February. So here’s me and the thing my hair decided to do in Cabo for Josh and Kate’s destination wedding in Mexico. Beware everyone, it may decide to eat you.